Do you steal the space to heal?
My recent experience of feeling down resulted in a greater appreciation for the potential of darkness. Holding this space for myself was very uncomfortable, unbearable even, but there were a few things that guided me through. One of my favorite teachers had said to me that when wounds are ready to come to the surface, we can not avoid feeling our way through them. Feeling them in our body, in our heart, in our soul, shines the Light of Consciousness on them.
I am reminded of a nightmare I had about 20 years ago, in which I was being chased by an escaped prisoner. After running through the dark woods for some time, I finally said to myself, “What am I running from?” I turned around and yelled to the prisoner, “What do you want?!” In that moment, he shrunk down to a small and cute gremlin, and looking up at me said, “I love you.”
What if our darkest moments are leading us to these words each and every time? I love you. This is what I’ve found to be true, and it helps me to trust the unbearable feeling of it each time. This last weekend, I studied the feeling more intently. As usual, it was heavy, as though I had exhaled and decided not to breathe in again. “What was this all about?”, my mind wondered but I remembered to trust the visceral experience, which is an earthy, instinctual and bodily knowing, rather than of the intellect. This resonated with my recent yearning to focus on my root chakra, on staying grounded amidst the shaky and uncertain political climate.
As I held my deep and heavy sorrow, I started to use a different part of my consciousness. As I merged with the feeling of it all, a memory or imagination of myself as an Army General came into my mind. I was the leader of a troop, and we had lost the battle, my men laying dead on the ground around me. I felt an incredible sense of failure, shame, guilt, and unbearable sorrow. In feeling the depths of this, I also felt compassion for this “General” that was myself. I felt compassion for all of humanity that have lived and died through so much violence.
Many people in the field of spiritual consciousness believe we are going through a cosmic or astrological dark period, a cleanse even. It is a time in which wounds can more easily surface, perhaps collectively from past lives. Each time we hold these experiences for ourselves and others, we open the energy field for more healing to take place for all people. As we heal our individual wounds, we heal the collective wounds.
As you read my story, I wonder if you found yourself wanting to fix me, or help take away my sadness? When we do this to others, and to ourselves, it is a form of asteya, stealing the space within which a powerful consciousness can emerge. Simply hold the space, for yourself and others, offering no words or remedies but perhaps the energy of “I love you” in your heart.
With Great Love,
Video track - 6:23 minutes (click on the photo)